Cat Lady
“Oh, it’s another Cat one,”
I heard a depressed worker say.
“No, not another feline run!
That’s bound to be the third today!”
We paused then, in our record-keeping….
Some were sleeping, beepers beeping
Some were high, to keep from weeping
Though these dreaded words were creeping
Slowly down into our mind:
Cat Lady!!!!!
“Who gets this one, supervisor!?
We would druther face a viper
It’s so fast and so much nicer,
Or a growly bear who’s hyper.
We want no more of that kind.
Cat Lady!!!!!”
Now let us view a prime example
One we feel is pretty amble
One to let you really sample
Just what chaos we go through
When we have to get involved
And attempt to get resolved
Cases that have oft’ revolved
‘Round a little pet that we call “mew.”
You’d think this sort of case was easy.
Did I mention cats are fleazy?
She’s always some sweet older female
And, lest I miss a crucial detail,
Always sort of lonely too,
Always has not much to do.
She comes about a strayful cat
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that
But he becomes a playful cat
And there “is” something wrong with that!
For, him she starts a keepin’
And then we start a weepin’
Cause then the real bad trouble starts
And then our state of calm departs.
Cat Lady!!!!!
I tell you….cats are awful!
Cats are bad!
There’s unlawful!
And we’ve had…
Too much of this malicious beast!
Cats are slimy!
Cats are slick!
Cats are grimy!
‘makes me sick
To see this low “capricious” little beast!
Oh, if they would simply die!
But no, they only multiply!
Well, anyway, our older matron
Soon becomes a feline patron,
Hooked upon these dev-yus little pets.
And shortly we are called on
And asked to get a move on
To save this lady ere the sun it sets.
I’m sure I’ve said before, sir,
That this is quite a chore, sir.
For soon the job is overblown
And many cats are fully grown.
Except for those newly begetted
And do you think these are regretted?!?
To her they are a welcome sight
To us they are an ugly blight
We know she does not really need-em
Why, she can really hardly feed-em
Cat food, cat food lines the shelf.
She can barely feed herself
And she cannot realize
That the cats don’t emphasize
They don’t care for her a whit
All is fine from where they sit.
Well, our group becomes the “heavy”
Sent to take this heavy bevy
Sent to rid her of these purrers
“We’re not cat entre-pren-eur-ers!!!”
“Call the Cat Humane Society.”
They do things with such propriety.
This will lesson our anxiety
Not to mention notoriety.
They don’t’ care what newsmen write
They, with owners, never fight
They just save the things with paws
They won’t hear her hems and haws
They will take the cats away.
They will really save the day.
Well, my friend, need-less to say,
This was not to be our day
Them she would not let in
And so they could not get in.
Will Human, a friendly sort,
To a petition resort?
They sometimes do, some people say
They sometimes do, to save the day.
But not today, my bosom buddy,
Oh, the road is lookin’ muddy!
They just said: “I guess we blew it!
We feel APS* can do it!”
…….and a new worker was
assigned to the case. He said:
“We took a complaint recently
Which sounded sort of strange to me
But I’m a fledgling employee
In fact, I’m just a new trainee.”
“Well, anyway it seems as if
This nabor lady’s in a miff
‘Cause none of us have checked into
What some poor lady’s going through.
It ‘pears to her like Ol’ Miz Brown
Who never ever goes to town
Who never goes outdoors in fact
And has a brain that’s really cracked
Was found by many who live close,
Living in conditions gross
Not only gross but filthy, sir.
At least that’s what they all infer.
They also said she has a cat,
But now there’s nothing wrong with that
In fact, these kitty-cats are charming
And some folks say they’re quite disarming.”
Well this worker figured that
It’s not wrong to have a cat
And gave not much thought to the matter,
Figured maybe someone’s mat at ‘er
And even if she’s “mad as hatter”
There’s no reason his peace to shatter.
But, oh, he was so wrong
Now hear his latest song:
“They sent me out on this new case
I said, ‘what problems could I face?’
I felt this one would be a breeze
I’ll handle this short trip with ease.
But, in my training, they had been remiss
For hardly, sir, was I prepared for this,
Ad the sight that met me at the door
Was a sight I wasn’t ready for:
‘If you’re a cat, you can’t come in,” she mumbled.
‘I’m not a cat, so let me in,’ I grumbled.
Imagine, if you will, this short old lady
Her hair strung down her face in a cascadee
Dirty sneakers with their ties untied,
And her housecoat with the front ope’ wide,
Looking blank, as if her mind had died.
This scene near made me ‘shamed to be
Adding to this poor girl’s misery.
But to her house I so bravely traveled
As if my mind was also unraveled,
And never in a million years
Would I be set to see such drears
This havoc that so nearly nears
Blatant Wholesale Calamity.
This one belongs among the hags!
Why, she is dressed almost in rags,
And look how at her frame she drags.
This case is pure insanity!
I didn’t have to really walk inside
The home this lady guarded with such pride
In fact, I don’t believe I even tried
To venture through the door she opened wide.
I saw it all at once from where I stood,
I saw much more, sir, than I guess I should.
Not only had this lady gone to heck,
But clearly this whole place was now a wreck.
The drapes were torn
The couch was worn
The carpet, it was absolutely shredded,
And I could tell
From all the smell
That seeing too much more of this I dreaded.
Ugh, she will need a feces loader
Just to start to change this odor
And no real devout manchurin
Would attempt to clean this urine.
There were bugs and slugs and lice
There were germs and worms and mice!
But wait! This caused me to think twice,
Does a cat not eat the mice?
It’s normal and it would be nice.
I wondered…..
Then suddenly, I saw what shocked me most
More shocking than the sight of my fair host
I saw a cat and he was hanging clear
But he was hanging from a chandelier!
And then I saw another on the wall
And then another in the dim-lit hall.
One ran by and chased a yellow ball
Then I had to ask her, ‘Is this all?’
‘Oh no, you’ve only seen these four,
And I have many, many more!’
Then this worker started counting,
And his stress and fear was mounting
Yes, there were so many more
And there were more shocks in store.
For this lady started telling
Or, in truth, she started yelling
That she was a furry feline too
(and, at that, my welling ulcer grew.)
Oh me, I saw the kitchen table
And, my friend, I’m hardly able
To describe the horrid scene I saw:
Moldy bread and sour leftover meat,
Spills and dills and stuff you’d never eat!
Urg, it made me sick up to my craw.
Truth is I was set to call the law.
But the law said there not aware of it
And advised that we take care of it.
And, my friend, when I say ‘we’
That just meant it’s up to me.
Well I knew I must get to work
Or I, too, would soon be berserk.
So I assembled a motley storm crew
Willing to do what was needed to do.
And planning not to take any thises or that’s.
We set out to battle this bevy of cats.
There were disbarred attorneys and some of their clients
In most of the latter we had no reliance
There were disgruntled workers with few bones to pick.
Gay dress-ed street girls just out for a trick.
Frustrated checkers all mad at the system
Feeling that progress and succ-ess had missed ‘em
Angry old realtors with no clientele
Unhappy vendors with nothing to sell.
Singers and swingers and street cleaners too
Oh, you have never espied such a crew
There were doctors and nurses and some passerby
And they followed us there, but I never knew why.
There were muggers and druggers, yes,
They all joined our crowd
And we would have had more----
If the law had allowed
And we all marched right up to this cat lady’s door
And pre-pared to face what e’er fate was in store.
You really should have been there my friend
In fact I did not stay to the end.
But they did tell me it sure was a sight
And the cat lady sure put up a fight.
Before I felt that I should withdraw
Please let me de-scribe all this worker saw:
There were kitty-cats running all over the place
Chased by “my crew” at a gosh awful pace
Yowlin’ and Howlin’ and filled with such dread
Actin’ like they were darn near almost dead
And the folks who were chasin’ were hollerin’ louder
You sure couldn’t blame cats for takin’ a powder
For gettin’ the heck outta’ Dodge on this day
Oh, ‘twas a real scary sight, let me say!
And the cars on the street,
They were wrecking in bunches
And I just had to groan at the crashes and crunches
And the horns and the sirens and screams all around,
Such a chorus of sounds at this scene did abound.
Well, the last that I saw of the cat lady’s form
She was right in the midst of it, causing a storm
A cat in her left hand, a gun in her right.
I tell you, my friend, that she sure was a sight.
As I jumped in my car
Of relief gave a whistle
And sped off afar
Like the down of a thistle.
Ere I raced out of sigh
Well- I just had to say
I’ve had more than I want
Of these cats for one day.”
*APS – Adult Protective Services
by William Patrick Beaty, retired Social Worker
copyright 1992
