Cat Lady (Poem)

Cat Lady

“Oh, it’s another Cat one,”

I heard a depressed worker say.

“No, not another feline run!

That’s bound to be the third today!”

We paused then, in our record-keeping….

Some were sleeping, beepers beeping

Some were high, to keep from weeping

Though these dreaded words were creeping

Slowly down into our mind:

Cat Lady!!!!!

“Who gets this one, supervisor!?

We would druther face a viper

It’s so fast and so much nicer,

Or a growly bear who’s hyper.

We want no more of that kind.

Cat Lady!!!!!”

Now let us view a prime example

One we feel is pretty amble

One to let you really sample

Just what chaos we go through

When we have to get involved

And attempt to get resolved

Cases that have oft’ revolved

‘Round a little pet that we call “mew.”

You’d think this sort of case was easy.

Did I mention cats are fleazy?

She’s always some sweet older female

And, lest I miss a crucial detail,

Always sort of lonely too,

Always has not much to do.

She comes about a strayful cat

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that

But he becomes a playful cat

And there “is” something wrong with that!

For, him she starts a keepin’

And then we start a weepin’

Cause then the real bad trouble starts

And then our state of calm departs.

Cat Lady!!!!!

I tell you….cats are awful!

Cats are bad!

There’s unlawful!

And we’ve had…

Too much of this malicious beast!

Cats are slimy!

Cats are slick!

Cats are grimy!

‘makes me sick

To see this low “capricious” little beast!

Oh, if they would simply die!

But no, they only multiply!

Well, anyway, our older matron

Soon becomes a feline patron,

Hooked upon these dev-yus little pets.

And shortly we are called on

And asked to get a move on

To save this lady ere the sun it sets.

I’m sure I’ve said before, sir,

That this is quite a chore, sir.

For soon the job is overblown

And many cats are fully grown.

Except for those newly begetted

And do you think these are regretted?!?

To her they are a welcome sight

To us they are an ugly blight

We know she does not really need-em

Why, she can really hardly feed-em

Cat food, cat food lines the shelf.

She can barely feed herself

And she cannot realize

That the cats don’t emphasize

They don’t care for her a whit

All is fine from where they sit.

Well, our group becomes the “heavy”

Sent to take this heavy bevy

Sent to rid her of these purrers

“We’re not cat entre-pren-eur-ers!!!”

“Call the Cat Humane Society.”

They do things with such propriety.

This will lesson our anxiety

Not to mention notoriety.

They don’t’ care what newsmen write

They, with owners, never fight

They just save the things with paws

They won’t hear her hems and haws

They will take the cats away.

They will really save the day.

Well, my friend, need-less to say,

This was not to be our day

Them she would not let in

And so they could not get in.

Will Human, a friendly sort,

To a petition resort?

They sometimes do, some people say

They sometimes do, to save the day.

But not today, my bosom buddy,

Oh, the road is lookin’ muddy!

They just said: “I guess we blew it!

We feel APS* can do it!”

…….and a new worker was

assigned to the case. He said:

“We took a complaint recently

Which sounded sort of strange to me

But I’m a fledgling employee

In fact, I’m just a new trainee.”

“Well, anyway it seems as if

This nabor lady’s in a miff

‘Cause none of us have checked into

What some poor lady’s going through.

It ‘pears to her like Ol’ Miz Brown

Who never ever goes to town

Who never goes outdoors in fact

And has a brain that’s really cracked

Was found by many who live close,

Living in conditions gross

Not only gross but filthy, sir.

At least that’s what they all infer.

They also said she has a cat,

But now there’s nothing wrong with that

In fact, these kitty-cats are charming

And some folks say they’re quite disarming.”

Well this worker figured that

It’s not wrong to have a cat

And gave not much thought to the matter,

Figured maybe someone’s mat at ‘er

And even if she’s “mad as hatter”

There’s no reason his peace to shatter.

But, oh, he was so wrong

Now hear his latest song:

“They sent me out on this new case

I said, ‘what problems could I face?’

I felt this one would be a breeze

I’ll handle this short trip with ease.

But, in my training, they had been remiss

For hardly, sir, was I prepared for this,

Ad the sight that met me at the door

Was a sight I wasn’t ready for:

‘If you’re a cat, you can’t come in,” she mumbled.

‘I’m not a cat, so let me in,’ I grumbled.

Imagine, if you will, this short old lady

Her hair strung down her face in a cascadee

Dirty sneakers with their ties untied,

And her housecoat with the front ope’ wide,

Looking blank, as if her mind had died.

This scene near made me ‘shamed to be

Adding to this poor girl’s misery.

But to her house I so bravely traveled

As if my mind was also unraveled,

And never in a million years

Would I be set to see such drears

This havoc that so nearly nears

Blatant Wholesale Calamity.

This one belongs among the hags!

Why, she is dressed almost in rags,

And look how at her frame she drags.

This case is pure insanity!

I didn’t have to really walk inside

The home this lady guarded with such pride

In fact, I don’t believe I even tried

To venture through the door she opened wide.

I saw it all at once from where I stood,

I saw much more, sir, than I guess I should.

Not only had this lady gone to heck,

But clearly this whole place was now a wreck.

The drapes were torn

The couch was worn

The carpet, it was absolutely shredded,

And I could tell

From all the smell

That seeing too much more of this I dreaded.

Ugh, she will need a feces loader

Just to start to change this odor

And no real devout manchurin

Would attempt to clean this urine.

There were bugs and slugs and lice

There were germs and worms and mice!

But wait! This caused me to think twice,

Does a cat not eat the mice?

It’s normal and it would be nice.

I wondered…..

Then suddenly, I saw what shocked me most

More shocking than the sight of my fair host

I saw a cat and he was hanging clear

But he was hanging from a chandelier!

And then I saw another on the wall

And then another in the dim-lit hall.

One ran by and chased a yellow ball

Then I had to ask her, ‘Is this all?’

‘Oh no, you’ve only seen these four,

And I have many, many more!’

Then this worker started counting,

And his stress and fear was mounting

Yes, there were so many more

And there were more shocks in store.

For this lady started telling

Or, in truth, she started yelling

That she was a furry feline too

(and, at that, my welling ulcer grew.)

Oh me, I saw the kitchen table

And, my friend, I’m hardly able

To describe the horrid scene I saw:

Moldy bread and sour leftover meat,

Spills and dills and stuff you’d never eat!

Urg, it made me sick up to my craw.

Truth is I was set to call the law.

But the law said there not aware of it

And advised that we take care of it.

And, my friend, when I say ‘we’

That just meant it’s up to me.

Well I knew I must get to work

Or I, too, would soon be berserk.

So I assembled a motley storm crew

Willing to do what was needed to do.

And planning not to take any thises or that’s.

We set out to battle this bevy of cats.

There were disbarred attorneys and some of their clients

In most of the latter we had no reliance

There were disgruntled workers with few bones to pick.

Gay dress-ed street girls just out for a trick.

Frustrated checkers all mad at the system

Feeling that progress and succ-ess had missed ‘em

Angry old realtors with no clientele

Unhappy vendors with nothing to sell.

Singers and swingers and street cleaners too

Oh, you have never espied such a crew

There were doctors and nurses and some passerby

And they followed us there, but I never knew why.

There were muggers and druggers, yes,

They all joined our crowd

And we would have had more----

If the law had allowed

And we all marched right up to this cat lady’s door

And pre-pared to face what e’er fate was in store.

You really should have been there my friend

In fact I did not stay to the end.

But they did tell me it sure was a sight

And the cat lady sure put up a fight.

Before I felt that I should withdraw

Please let me de-scribe all this worker saw:

There were kitty-cats running all over the place

Chased by “my crew” at a gosh awful pace

Yowlin’ and Howlin’ and filled with such dread

Actin’ like they were darn near almost dead

And the folks who were chasin’ were hollerin’ louder

You sure couldn’t blame cats for takin’ a powder

For gettin’ the heck outta’ Dodge on this day

Oh, ‘twas a real scary sight, let me say!

And the cars on the street,

They were wrecking in bunches

And I just had to groan at the crashes and crunches

And the horns and the sirens and screams all around,

Such a chorus of sounds at this scene did abound.

Well, the last that I saw of the cat lady’s form

She was right in the midst of it, causing a storm

A cat in her left hand, a gun in her right.

I tell you, my friend, that she sure was a sight.

As I jumped in my car

Of relief gave a whistle

And sped off afar

Like the down of a thistle.

Ere I raced out of sigh

Well- I just had to say

I’ve had more than I want

Of these cats for one day.”

*APS – Adult Protective Services

by William Patrick Beaty, retired Social Worker

copyright 1992